Stacy Marilyn

Really, I feel like I should lead in with good things I have to say about pregnancy, but right now, I am having one of those depressing moments where I don't give a damn. The following post is not to inspire you, it's not to claim any beliefs in this or that. This post is therapy for me. This post is truth, no formula to writing, just coming as I go. This post is probably left better hidden away if you're thinking from a high society stand point, but you know what? Who gives a damn? It's the internet and if it's not too busy making fake personas of ourselves for the world to see, I would like to leave a real statement.

It hurts to watch people get pregnant. It hurts to watch people have miscarriages. It hurts to watch people give birth and post pictures of their loved ones. It hurts so damn much, and what's worse, is that it hurts to feel like this and already have a child.

Elijah is my son, and he is perfect, and he is wonderful. He's.. literally my little miracle. I'll tell you that story another time. Literally came in to this world by way of circumstances that can only be concluded as an act of God in my opinion.

This isn't about Eli.

This is about Stacy.

Stacy is a little girl that I want so terribly bad. Stacy is a little girl whom I have had dreams about that I don't tell anyone because I'm afraid to. Stacy is someone that I'm not sure anyone can understand if I were to try, because she's not here.

When I was pregnant, I was scared. Matthew came along and long story short, we're making it happen and living the dream. There was a TON of judgment from EVERYONE. He's not the real father. You should marry the biological. He shouldn't be dating a pregnant woman. She is only marrying him so that she doesn't have to do this alone. She's a slut and she's getting what she deserves. Why does she get to have a baby without trying, but I can't have one at all? Why did her son, someone who wasn't supposed to be here, live when mine didn't? 

The best part is that, he wasn't planned. He wasn't expected. He was created from something so awful, so terrible.. and because all of that past is behind him, behind us.. I feel he will always be perfect, and happy, and rarely ever cry. He's so pure, so good. And f*ck you if you don't think I should have been given him.

It's also the worse part, that he wasn't planned. I was robbed of that moment where you get to try for a kid, where you get to test the pee stick, where you get to plan how you're going to tell your significant other, where you get to plan a nursery and nest and for the most part have it together.

A lot of women, when I cry about this, use comforting words such as, "Well, that's what happens when you're being stupid." "That's what happens when you have unprotected sex." Guess what? It was protected. Elijah was MEANT to happen.

I guess the real reason I am writing this post is because I'm crying again about Stacy. She's the girl that I can't have. When Matthew and I thought about having another one, we weren't stressing over the small stuff. We loved the first piece of our family and we wanted another. Can you believe that some people would say - and not even behind my back - Why do you want another? You already got one! - Don't cry that you can't have any more. You had one. That's more than any of us. - Your pain comes from wanting your cake and to eat it, too. 

My favorite form of invalidating my pain and frustration with not being able to have kids (at least right now. I say that because I just can't give up on the dream that I may one day meet Stacy through.. I don't know. Some miracle) is when people tell me 'Don't give up. There are people who can't and then ten years later, something changes and they can!'

Alright. Let me stop crying, your point is so well made. Let me forget this pain, as if it's no big deal that Matt and I tried, and tried, and tried. That we went to a gyno, and then to a infertility center. That we both got tested. Matthew is fantastic. Guess who's not? Guess who seemingly has ALL the right parts, but not oil to work them? Guess who's the reason that this family will never meet Stacy.

Honest to God, I feel like she's someone - something that I need to let go. I feel like she's a dream. Having one child almost killed me, yes, but I never thought it may be the reason I couldn't have another. It's just... And I feel like an adolescent saying this, but...

It's not fair.

How can you miss someone you've never met? How can you dream of someone who can never be?


This sucks. 

Write a Letter to your 10-Year-Old Self.

SoulPancake created a video in which a few people wrote letters to their 10-year-old selves. Watch it, and then think... What would you write to your 10-year-old self?

Dear 10-Year-Old Miranda, 

 
I know that right now, life sucks. Mom's found this new guy Tim, and Dad is seeing different women as well, some of which you are going to absolutely hate. Be strong. It gets better. Tim turns in to this amazing guy that you even call Dad nowadays, and one of the women Dad meets, Lori, becomes his wife and though your start is rough, very rough, by the time you have your own son, you're both grown up and ready to be related - and like it! 

 
Old Self, remember that Caitlin is only 3 or 4 years old right now, and she needs you most of all. She won't have those memories you do of Dad, and she'll be easier accepting of Tim. Maybe it's cause her mind isn't clouded by judgement and fond memories of your dad, that she's more accepting of this new man. Follow her lead. Tim's awesome. 

 
Old Self, you're also getting two new brothers (and a sister much later), and they are going to be total brats. That's okay, because they are going to grow up to be fine young gentlemen. We still don't hear from Chris since he's gone to college, but when we DO see him around holidays, he seems to be doing just fine. Geraden will meet this girl named Hayley, and she's pretty fantastic. When he's with her, he's a new person, and I think he's growing up to be a great guy. Right now, they still aren't attached to the idea of being real siblings with you and Caitlin, but.. Don't ever lose hope. I still haven't. 

 
Old Self, when you're 17 on Valentine's Day, and your friend Holly calls you to thank you for the Valentine's Card you left for her on her car windshield.. Don't be scared. You're going to flip your car a total of four times across the construction of State Highway 121. You live! In fact, you hardly even get scratched save for the memory loss you'll suffer. It's actually hard to write to you right now, because I can't remember much! 

 
Old Self, one of the hardest lessons you'll learn, you'll learn when you've graduated high school. When no one has to see you any more at school and lie to your face, they'll tell you the truth in a facebook message. They'll tell you about how no one really liked you during Freshman, Sophomore, and Junior year.. Basically you're entire existence at Guyer. They'll tell you that because of the hard times you went through, and how you reacted to them by crying at school all the time, no one wanted to be your friend, and at some times, they even believed you worthless. 

 
You. Are Not. Worthless. 

 
When this happens, remember the year you moved to The Colony and started school with April. She's basically going to be your entire life until you move to Alabama. You'll have so much fun with her, that you'll forget about the others who were so cruel. Later on, when you accept Christ in to your heart, you'll even come to forgive the others for being so hateful. We were all teenagers, and you and I are no exception to the hard times that come with being one. High School is totally brutal, and you'll want to give up quite a few times.  

 
Don't. Just remember, when you graduate, things get pretty interesting.  

 
One last thing.. When you become a Freshman and you spend a few months living with your dad in Van Alstyne, and you can't stand the small town you live in cause there's nothing to do, and everyone seems to look at you like an outsider.... When you meet him, when you meet Matthew and tell yourself "That's the guy I'm going to marry." 

 
.. You totally called it. You're living happily ever after with a 3-year-old. 

 
Love, 

Twenty-Two Year Old Me. 

Guess Who's Going to College?

Guess who got accepted in to college?

Obviously, I'm joking. However, I did apply for college recently and this time around, I am aiming to be an RN (Nursing). It's something that's been an interest in the back of my mind and has pulled up in every one of those aptitude tests they make you take in High School, but when I looked at it, I laughed. Me? A nurse? When I suck so much at Biology class? You've got to be kidding me.

Well, I guess I'm growing up a bit, because now I see Biology Class as a challenge! Bring it on! If it's something I can knock out of my way to being a Nurse, then let's do this.

I suppose step one is to get accepted to the college I'm applying for. So, I went to applytexas.org and did the whole ordeal, and I got an email from them! Here's what it said:

So, not a total loss, right? It's just... six.. very... intimidating things I need to do to accomplish my goal. If I can pass these, I can do anything! Hurrah!

1. So, I have to talk to my old colleges and get transcripts. I can do that. No problem.
2. Ditto.
3. Driver's license? Got one. Done!
4. Educational History Form: Addendum to Admissions - What does that even mean?!
5. Final High School Transcript from TCHS for residency... Okay. Should be easy as the colleges, I think?
6. Bacterial Vaccine. THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE.

Those of you who don't know me that well, I can't stand shots. It's not even the shot part, or the 'vaccinations are so bad for you' junk that the internet feeds us these days. It's the 'I'm about to break your skin with a needle and sting you like a bee, mofo!' that I can't handle. It's like a tattoo: I want one so bad, but OHGODITISGOINGTOHURT. Or at least, in my head, I build it up for hurting a lot. I bet it's no big deal. Anyway, I digress.

I suppose if I am going to go in to NURSING, I should get used to a shot or two... hundred. Harrharr. I made a funny.

Anyhow, this is my road map to college:

• Get my transcripts, get the shot, find out what the Addendum is and do it, and bring it all to admissions at the school of my choice.
• Purge myself of unhealthy habits, such as talking myself out of working my ass off for my DREAMS.
• Save up money for textbooks. If I remember correctly, they hurt.
• Debate with myself about getting a counselor.

That's all for now. Enjoy your morning, everyone.